A Perfect Father
by fierysuzaku
Summary: He was never a perfect father. It was a fact they both knew all too well.


**I want a better father.**

Ever since I was little, I knew so little of my dad.

There were even time when I wondered if I even had a father at all.

Whenever I saw my mom wearing that lonely look in her eyes, I silently wish for someone better.

**Someone who's not gone 24/7.**

"_**So where's your daddy, Dame Tsuna?"**_

"_**Yeah, where's your dad?"**_

"_**I – He's – "**_

"_**You don't know, don't you."**_

"_**Of course, why would he stay with a loser like him."**_

I always hated it when I couldn't answer their questions.

Whenever I asked where were you when you came home and you always answered with one of your drunk excuses of being a secret agent who saved the world.

I forgot how many times I wanted to tell you to stop it with your lies because I'm not a little kid anymore and that even I'm not that stupid to believe your crazy stories.

**A dad like everyone else's.**

"_**Daddy! Daddy! I wanna piggyback."**_

"_**Okay son, get ready for takeoff."**_

Did I ever get a ride from you? Where we would just laugh and pretend to be astronauts launching into space like there's no tomorrow.

"_**Daddy, would you come to career day?"**_

"_**Sure."**_

Why am I always the one who's stuck alone and without a dad to be proud about?

"_**Dad can you help me with this?"**_

"_**Of course!"**_

Why can't that be me?

I've always watched from the sidelines, always wondering and trying desperately to remember the things you and I used to do before you decided to bury yourself in your work.

I'm jealous.

I want a father too.

**A father who can listen to my hopes and fears.**

_I'm scared._

All these crazy things happening all at once.

_Guns._

_Bombs._

_Killer babies!_

_I don't want to be a mafia boss!_

Mom doesn't even take me seriously, no one does.

So why the hell am I looking for you?

Why am I hoping that you'd come through that door with a loud bang and send this demented baby packing?

Why am I wishing for someone who hasn't come home in years?

"_**Dad, where are you?"**_

"_**Are you dead or something?"**_

**A father who talks to me and understands me.**

Then, one day, you actually show up. Just when everything's starting to get a bit less chaotic, you show up and ruin everything.

You did nothing but drink and babble about useless things.

Never listening.

Always assuming.

_Why did you even come back?_

Then, as if you haven't done enough damage, I found out you work for the mafia.

_Is this why you haven't been home, so you could kill people for a living?_

I bet you're overjoyed to find out I'm being chosen as a candidate for boss. I bet you're already running you mouth about how I'm going to be boss.

_That's not going to happen! _

_I'm never going to be boss. _

_I don't want to be!_

I really wanted to shout and rave at you, but somewhere along the way, I realized just how much you like to twist words into your own liking and that you'd never understand how I feel.

_I don't have a father._

_Not anymore._

* * *

><p><strong>You deserve a better father.<strong>

I've been watching you, always from a distance.

Always beyond reach.

Always never close enough.

"_**Hey, **__**Iemitsu! Don't you have a kid back home?"**_

"_**Yup!"**_

"_**Eh? Isn't that hard for the boy? Growing up without a father?"**_

God, that question never failed to touch a nerve no matter how much it has been said.

_Of course, it's hard!_

I've been there and it wasn't a very good experience.

_But… it's better this way, keeping you both safe is my top priority._

**Someone who could be there for you 24/7.**

"_**I've noticed. You haven't been going home for a long time now."**_

"_**Ninth."**_

"_**Are you sure this is a wise choice?"**_

"_**If me being away keeps them safe then so be it."**_

"_**That's where bodyguards come in you do know that."**_

"_**Tsuna deserves a life without being pestered by men in suits."**_

"_**He also deserves a life with his father."**_

He's my boss but I really hate it when he's right whenever Tsuna's concerned.

I know the repercussions, my family isn't my family anymore. I can't be a dad for Tsuna, it's not that I don't trust in our men, it's just that I don't want to even give them that much of a risk.

**A dad like everyone else's.**

I've always wondered what would have happened if I never joined the mafia.

I could see myself being an ordinary business man or something.

I'll be home, waiting for you to come home from school and ask you about your day.

Help you with your homework.

Rough house and make you mom mad at us for being so loud.

But most of all, just being there for you and nothing more.

_That's would've have been the life._

**A father who can listen to your hopes and fears.**

"_**You're what?"**_

"_**I'm thinking of choosing Tsunayoshi as my next heir."**_

"_**No. Leave my boy out of this!"**_

"_**Who do you suggest then?"**_

"_**Ninth, please. I beg of you, not Tsuna. Not my boy."**_

"_**We don't have the luxury of selfishness, Iemitsu. The Family comes first. Always."**_

He's right but I still couldn't help but want to punch him in the face.

I've lived my life trying to distance myself so that you won't be a part of this world.

Now, it seems that it had only pushed you into it.

_You'll be scared shitless._

I know. Anyone from the normal world would be.

But worst of all, I can't even be there to help you through it.

You'll never forgive me. I know that at least.

**A father who talks to you and understands you.**

_The Ninth's right. Xanxus can't be boss. _

I don't know how many times I've told myself this to convince myself but one thing's for sure, it doesn't work that well because every time you voice your opinion on things, a piece of me just crumbles at how powerless I am to help you.

_You don't want to be boss._

I know that too.

I'm not really that drunk, you know.

Actually, being drunk is just an excuse because I just want to avoid facing you and the years where I've been gone.

I'm a coward.

_I'm sorry, son._

So despite all my desire to avoid it, I still became a boss.

And you still weren't there.

You're nothing but a subordinate now, I sealed that when I no longer refer to you as dad anymore.

But some part of me still wished for you to be angry and tell me to call you that.

To call you father.

To remain connected to me despite our circumstances.

Yet you did nothing but accept my verdict.

_Was I even a son to you?_

So you became a boss, strong and reliable.

With a will that could match Primo himself.

No longer the boy I held in my arms so long ago.

_Do even consider me as a father?_

I got my answer when you addressed me with my given name.

I guess some things can't be helped.

_I don't blame you for hating me. _

_But remember this, you'll always be my son._

_My little Tsuna._

* * *

><p>There are hazards in becoming a boss, getting shot is one of them.<p>

"Tenth!"

"I'm fine. Keep the girls safe."

"Tenth, you got shot!"

"I said, I'm fine. Now, go to the girls and protect them."

It was a lie and we both knew it.

I'm not fine.

I could feel myself slipping deeper into the dark edges of my vision and my arms are getting heavier with each passing second.

Right at that moment, I was sure of one thing and only thing alone.

"No you're not! Yamamoto and Sasagawa can protect the girls, you need medical attention now."

_I'm going to die._

"Hayato."

Darkness claimed me before I could even say another word.

* * *

><p>"Tell me the truth. How is he?"<p>

"He might not make it."

Right there and there something in me snapped.

"What do you mean he's not going to make it! You're the best there is! How could you say that?"

_No._

"Look, Iemitsu. He got hit with a special bullet. Not even high quality Sun Flames could heal the damn wound! I'm… I'm sorry."

"I don't want your apology! Right now, you need to save Tsuna. Do everything you can, just save him dammit!"

_No!_

"We're doing the best we could. We had to do it the old fashioned way and he's losing blood. Fast. Our medical team are scattered all over the place because of the ambush so we can't order a STAT blood transfusion. And even if by some miracle some blood managed to get through, we still have to run some test because it would do more harm than good if the blood sent doesn't match his."

"Do you understand our situation here?"

_NO!_

"Then take my blood! I'm still his father."

_Please don't let anything happen to my son._

"Are you crazy? Do even realize how much blood he is going to need?"

_Everything I have. Take it all. _

"I don't care. Just give me the damn consent and you go save my son!"

_Tsuna. Will. Not. Die._

* * *

><p>It's true then, when you die, your life flashes before your eyes.<p>

_So many memories._

"_**You should eat more Tsuna. It helps you grow."**_

That's right, you always said that to me whenever we had a meal together.

_Why did you stop?_

"_**Do your best at school son."**_

"_**But dad, I don't like school!"**_

I was being bullied and you're not here to protect me like you always had.

Protect.

_Yes, you protected me._

"_**Dad!"**_

"_**Hey, Tsuna!"**_

"_**What's in the box?"**_

"_**See for yourself."**_

"_**Wow! A birthday cake!"**_

_Happy Birthday! Always be happy. Love dad._

I remember now, this is the last birthday we celebrated together.

"_**Dad, I miss you."**_

"_**I miss you too, son."**_

"_**I love you."**_

"_**I love you too."**_

That's right, it's one of our phone calls.

_Why did I stop answering your calls?_

_Dad, I'm sorry._

_I really do love you._

* * *

><p>"Tenth? Tenth!"<p>

"Huh? Hayato? Where – "

"You're in a hospital. Tenth, please be more careful next time, we nearly lost you. "

"I'm sorry. I thought I was going to die too."

I expected a worried reproach.

Hell, I expected a punch even.

Something was wrong, I could feel it my gut.

My heart clenched when the words spilled from my lips.

"Where's my father?"

"Tenth, it's best to rest."

"I'm asking you. Where is my father, Hayato?"

He couldn't even look me in the eyes when he said it.

"He's gone Tenth."

_No!_

* * *

><p>"You shouldn't be here."<p>

The voice roused me from my memories. Awaking me to the still faced man I no longer recognize.

So pale and silent.

No longer the lively loud father I had known over the years.

"I don't care. How long was I unconscious, Shamal?"

_How long was he here?_

"Two days. Listen Tsuna, he wouldn't want you to be like this."

"Don't you dare say that! I have a fucking right! I have the right to cry for him! I have the right to mourn for him. He's my father dammit."

"I know. He told me himself."

"Huh?"

"He told me that he's still your father when I refused to use his blood."

_So that's how they managed to save me._

"He told me, he had the right to save his son's life."

_By losing his own?_

"That's he has the right and duty to protect you."

The tears fall and I cried like a child for the first time in a long time.

_You bastard!_

_Why do you always have to protect me?_

_Why is it always me?_

* * *

><p>It's been almost a week since that incident and somehow, a boss who is used to death and loss should be over it by now. The Family that ambushed us is no longer existent, I made sure of that.<p>

I wonder, what would you say to me at a time like this?

_Would you tell me that this is too much and that I should stop?_

_Or, are you proud of me because I living up to the Vongola name?_

"Tell me dad."

A knock interrupted whatever self destructive words I was going to sprout.

"It's open."

"Tenth."

"Basil."

"Lal Mirch told me to give this to you. It's boss'."

"_**Do me a favor, Lal. Give these to Tsuna when I die."**_

"_**Give them to him yourself."**_

"_**You never know. Just promise me would you?"**_

"_**Okay, I promise."**_

_Another memento? _

_I've been receiving a lot of these lately._

"Thank you, Basil."

It was a box this time. Somehow, I couldn't help but wonder what mysteries it held.

"Tenth, I know the boss hasn't been much of a father to you but he really does love you. I hope you'll believe me."

"I believe you."

I was just too blind to see it before it was all too late for either of us.

A small smile laced his lips as he made his exit, leaving me with nothing but a wooden box and my thoughts once more.

I opened the box, I was quite surprised to see it held nothing more but a bunch of letters. Yet, somehow, I couldn't help but sense they were all for me.

Any they were.

Every single one of them.

Each one date from the day I was born to last days before his death.

"_**Hey, Iemitsu. What are you writing?"**_

"_**Oh, this? Just some letters, Lal."**_

"_**Then that's an awful lot of letters. Who are they for?"**_

"_**My son."**_

My hands were shaking, scared and hesitant I dared to open one letter.

It was the day of my coronation as Vongola Decimo.

**Dear Tsuna, **

**So you're finally boss, congratulations are in order. On second thought, never mind. You never wanted to be boss so I don't think it would be right. I don't suppose it would help that I didn't want this life for you as well. I would have preferred for you to have a normal life.**

**But, I guess there are some things life would never let us have.**

**Hey, don't be like that. You have look at the bright side. You have friends, good and loyal friends. They'll be there for you so don't worry too much.**

**Unlike me of course.**

**No, don't try to deny it.**

**I know I haven't been there for you. And for that I am deeply sorry. I wasn't there to talk to you like other fathers. But I want you to know that I love you with all my heart.**

**Tsuna, I just want you to know that there are no perfect fathers, but a father will always love perfectly.**

**And remember to care for those who care for you. You have a Family now.**

**P.S. This letter might not reach you, just like the many others that I've written and if it did there are two possibilities, one you've been snooping around which is highly unlikely so I'm going to assume choice number two. I'm dead.**

**If that is so, then this is the last letter I've written to you. So please don't forget this old man, huh. I've not been the best of fathers but I have to say, you have been the best of sons. I know, you're my only son but still. I love you and I am proud of you. Not for being the Decimo but for being you, my son, my little Tsuna.**

**Always watching you from afar,**

**Your dad. **

"Stupid old man."

"_**These don't have stamps on them."**_

"_**I know."**_

"_**Then how are you going to send them to Japan?"**_

"_**I'm not."**_

"_**May I ask why?"**_

"_**Because. If I get a reply I might quit and go back home."**_

Tears were falling once more, only harder this time as it continued to choke me with a pain I never thought to experience once more.

"I love you too, dad."

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>You really love them. You're family."<strong>_

"_**Really, Oregano. Most people would tell me I should consider their feeling more often."**_

"_**That's a lie and you know it. You'd do anything within your power for them."**_

"_**Yeah, I guess I would."**_

**-END-**

**A/N: **This fic was inspired by this video… here's the link… .com/watch?v=Ue-8pEcXoVI... It's quite heart wrenching and I'm honest enough to admit that this fic would not even be at par with the emotions being expressed in this video…yeah, I'm pretty much encouraging you guys to watch and make sure you load it fully to prevent any discontinuation or lags… It made my think of Tsuna and Iemitsu for some reason although Gokudera and his father could work too… also please forgive any OCness, especially on Iemitsu. I rarely write in the first person perspective so it was quite a challenge for me. But I enjoyed writing this fic and feedbacks would we awesome. Thank you. ^-^

**P.S. **I don't own KHR.


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